I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
