My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
