U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
