How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
