can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
