ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
