I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
where are you?
Hypothermia
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
