I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She bit a glass in half.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
