I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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