More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
