i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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