But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
