You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
