Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
