Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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