and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
