i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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