Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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