I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
