Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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