Plan B is the new Plan A
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
