Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
