Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
