Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
