I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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