alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
