Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
