Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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