"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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