when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
