I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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