That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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