Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just high enough for therapy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
