pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
