I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
