They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
