oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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