I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
