Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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