I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
