How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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