So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
