do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
COCAINE IS GR8
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
