Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
