I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
