i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
thus making me awesome and them whores
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
