Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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