Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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