And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
