He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
