Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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