I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
