Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
