On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
