she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
